Last night Jane and I finally got around to watching a movie that has been burning a hole on our coffee table. It is an adaptation of a Steven King novel called Dreamcatcher.

I was lovingly pointed towards the movie from the Onion’s AV Club. It has apparently picked up a minor cult status for being one of the most over the top movies ever put on film.

Its reputation is well earned too. The story revolves around a group of men that are connected through a psychic bond that they received after befriending a mentally handicapped boy while they were young. The four men take a camping trip in a snowy wooded area only to find a few people that are infected with what the film lovingly refers to as “ass weasels”. These are aliens that grow inside of humans and punch out of their… backsides…

Jason Lee (My Name is Earl) has an entire scene trying to trap an ass weasel in a toilet by sitting on it. Unfortunately, the bouncing caused his precious toothpicks to drop on the ground. You know, the ones that he always needs to have in his mouth, especially when an ass weasel might kill him.

Apparently the ass weasels can grow into much larger ass weasels and disguise themselves as aliens. The major villain in the movie calls himself “Mr. Grey”. He takes control of one of the friends played by Damian Lewis (Band of Brothers). The two characters both talk through the same body but with different accents. Mr. Grey seems to have learned all he knows about English from Britain because he has an accent, while Lewis’ character doesn’t.

The government is attempting to contain these aliens with help from a super secret branch of military fronted by Morgan Freeman and his soon to be successor Tom Sizemore (Sniper). They have live rounds and aren’t afraid to use them. Freeman knows that the infected must be killed and he express his grief with this hilarious monologue…
“Those poor schmucks. They drive Chevrolets, shop at Wal-Mart, never miss an episode off Friends. These are Americans!”

Killing American’s never felt so filthy. It gets weirder

Donnie Wahlberg practically steals the movie as the adult version of “Duddits”, the retarded kid mentioned earlier. Duddits, with Scooby Doo doll and lunch box in tow, helps find Mr. Grey (which Wahlberg pronounces “Mista Gay”) to build to a super special effects bonanza of a finale.

Words can’t describe the joy I felt while watching this movie. I felt like I was giving birth. It hurt so bad, but felt like I was watching a miracle.

Steven King is crazy. The man is completely insane. If you think I am wrong, I dare you to watch the special features on this movie. He describes “The Taboo Zone” as the reason he wanted to do a novel that was so focused on the toilet. “Sex is common these days, so I wanted to go somewhere that is still off limits. The bathroom is off limits.” I’m paraphrasing here, but it is all there.

He really believes that men get together and drop lines like these.
“Got blown last night.”
“Good for you. First Time?”
“Bite my bag. Met some lady at Bingo.”
“Church Bingo?”
“Turned into a pretty nice fuckaree.”

Yes, “fuckaree” and “fuckaroo” are said on more than one occasion. Steven King really has his ear to the streets these days.

Watch it. Now.

Ugh. Wait… that doesn’t do it justice. SHIT. There you go. That was running through my head all day.

Saturday was the most brutal day I’ve had on a bike in a long time. I’ve had some down moments, like my second 300k, but nothing quite like this.

Going in to the ride, I knew that it wasn’t going to be easy. Chris had mentioned the pain in his legs after riding a 300k version of this route last year. This route covered 125 miles and roughly 9000 (!) feet of climbing. I think I got softened up by STP with its 2000 something feet of climbing over 200 miles.

Chris and I met at some ungodly hour to ride out to the ferry for the start. We got there and met Joby and Matt. Everyone seemed to be in good spirits. Both Chris and Joby have amazing new bikes that were about to get a working over. Matt was on his light go fast bike. I can tell he is in good shape right now and ready for RAMROD.

Out of the gates, I kept a good (if not especially spectacular) pace near the front. I could feel that my legs didn’t really have “it” though. It was kind of a general fatigue that I couldn’t really shake throughout the day. It wasn’t a big issue though. I was more than happy to let people drop me while I cruised along at my own pace.

The hills were pretty relentless right away. They were short and steep. I actually tend to prefer this style of climb over a long and drawn out mountain pass, but the sheer amount of them wore me down quickly.

Early on in the day I finally met Jack Brace. Jane had mistaken him for me when she volunteered on our first 300k. Thankfully she didn’t accidentally grab his butt at the time. That would have been a conversation piece. I did my best to keep up with him until the first control, but again… I just wasn’t feeling too strong. “No problem”, I told myself. “Just keep the controls short.”

I zipped through the first control and totally missed the fact that Chris, Joby and Matt were waiting around (for me?) because they passed me later on in the section following. Keeping their wheel wasn’t really an option and I just let them go.

I somehow managed to catch up to them at the second control after a nice waterfront stretch of road. The amazing volunteers were preparing sandwiches and had beverages on hand. It was really nice to get some salt and protein in me. Unfortunately, my real troubles also started here.

My rear tire was getting low. I was dumb enough to swap out my old inner tubes on to my newer wheelset from Peter White. They have a deeper rim, requiring a longer stem. Somehow when I installed them, I was able to still get my pump to fill them up. It didn’t seem like a big issue at the time. If the tire blew, I would swap it out. No problem right? Well, it wasn’t a blown tube, just slightly low on air. Every attempt I made at filling it let a little bit of air out. Pretty soon I had a very low tire. Volunteer Robin Pieper gave me a hand in changing out the short stem tube for a long stem one I had in my bag. It took a bit longer than I wanted it to, but everything was on and settled. I was ready for the large climbs ahead.

I spent the next 30 miles riding solo for the most part. I was definitely near the back of the pack at this point. I wasn’t too worried about it, but I knew that I wanted to finish the ride at a reasonable hour if possible. The mental calculations are always churning in the back of my head. “If I can keep this pace for x hours…”

At around 78 miles, there was the Seabeck control. It wasn’t a town as much as a reason to stop. There might have been 4 or 5 stores total here, with an amazingly beautiful view of the Hood Canal. I would have gotten a picture if I was able to think straight. Thinking isn’t my strong suit on a rando ride. To my suprize, Chris, Joby and Matt were all waiting for me here. They played it off like they just happened to want to spend over half an hour at a control… but they can’t fool me. Thanks guys.

After some food and drink, we all started the slog up through Anderson Hill Road and some beautiful sections. Most of the ride was pretty stunning actually. It would have been a beautiful drive (I kid, I kid). After some of the major climbs of the section, I was in the back of the paceline and a ran an actual flat tire. I thought about calling out to Matt, but I didn’t want to slow them down again and thought it would be no big deal. Huge mistake.

I checked out my tube and noted a piece of glass had cut it near the stem. These are almost always pretty difficult to patch, so I opted for my second (and final) spare tube as my first replacement. I checked the tire again to make sure I wasn’t missing any glass. A few riders passed and asked if I had what I needed. I waved them off thinking everything was covered. I got the tube in and the wheel back on. After pumping it up, I went to pull the pump off of the stem and the head blew off. Yet another useless spare. By this point I knew I might be in trouble. I was pretty upset and really considered calling it off. I went as far as to call Peter to see how I could make it back to the ferry if I needed to. Peter gave me the directions back to the ferry. It would have been a long walk.

Bill Gobie and Tom Barocan were nice enough to stop to make sure things were going alright. Bill was on a recumbent with smaller wheels, and Tom was on an upright with short stemmed 26 inch wheels (too small for me). We made some attempts at patching and riding on the tube with a cut and also tried to refit the original tube with a short stem. Nothing was working. It was almost comical at that point.

I called Jane to see where she was at. She had taken a bus to the mall and couldn’t have picked me up for probably 2 to 3 hours even if she cabbed it back home. Amazingly, Tom remembered that he had a long stemmed 26 inch tube in his back still. We managed to stretch it over my wheel and get enough air in it.

I remembered the directions back to the ferry, but with so much going wrong, I at least wanted a solid finish to make up for it. It was probably silly to try and finish off a ride without the proper equipment, but again… thinking isn’t my strong suit on a rando ride. Tom, Bill and I kept close through the next 30-40 miles.

The area is beautiful, but I wasn’t getting a lot of love from the locals. I was taunted more on this ride than on any other. Rednecks were “complimenting” my legs from out of their lifted truck windows and pedestrians were making rude comments all day. I did my best to keep my middle finger in check… I don’t want to give SIR a bad name.

I started to get a bit of strength back after the 4th control and was pushing out ahead of Tom and Bill. There was a noisy stretch of freeway along SR-3 following by a swooping offramp. I looked at my cue and noted the direction. If I were to “bear right” on SW Clifton Road, I would be going to correct direction. Instead, I went left on “Old Clifton Road”… you know… because I love extra climbing. I started left and was immediately hit with a 15% grade for about half of a mile followed by a steady 5% for another 4 and a half miles. I was cursing SIR for putting yet another steep climb so close to the finish of the ride. “They always do this!”

“God, where is this turn? I should have passed it already.”

“Oh dear lord, I went the wrong way…”

I turned around and back tracked. Only 10 miles left.

I’m not sure what happened to my bike, but every major grade on the final portion caused my chain to drop inside my crank. It wasn’t doing it all day, just the final 10 miles when I wanted to finish. Every couple of miles I had to stop, get off my bike, and set the chain back. I was too tired to fix it properly.

Somehow I managed to roll in to the finish without being lanterne rouge. All the volunteers were cheering me on and I had to crack a smile. It was so far beyond annoying that it was just funny. Robin made me a sandwich for the ferry home and filled me up with some water/soda. Everything was beautiful.

I rode the ferry home alone and rode back home.

To top a perfect day, I forgot my keys and had to crawl through my window in order to get in my house. That ripped my SIR jersey.

Awesome.

The tour is well in the mountains and I am excited. I’ve been sneaking a look at the live coverage in the mornings to see if the Schleck brothers are able to shake off Cadel the muppet.

I have no shame in admitting my love for the spandex and carbon. It doesn’t mean I have to use them myself. Play safe boys.

After a relatively short life, my (left) Crank Brothers Quattro pedal kicked the bucket this weekend. I found myself on an un-ridable pedal while on my way to our local bike shop. The shop didn’t have a whole lot in stock, but I opted for a pair of Speedplay Frog pedals. They look a little goofy, and have a LOT of float, but first impressions are pretty good so far.

This brings up a problem with my other pair of Eggbeaters though. I was able to ride both bikes off the same set of cleats previously. Now I’m finding myself looking for a pedal alternative for the (currently fixed) IF bike. I am running platform pedals on it right now, but I feel my foot slip around while spinning downhill. I’ve lots contact with the pedals on a regular downhill bump that I have to hit every day, so I am pretty uncomfortable without foot retention. I kicked around getting toe clips/straps so I can just ride my “regular” shoes. I have very limited experience with them and am afraid that they will make my bike a rolling death trap (especially with the fixed wheel). I am probably overstating the learning curve, but it makes me nervous to drop any money on something that I can’t test out before hand.

Option number two is buying a second set of Frogs. I haven’t put enough miles on the first set to know if I am going to be happy with them. I’d hate to have 2 sets of pedals that I don’t like. This is a viable option if the pedals hold up to my 200k this weekend though.

The third (and possibly most expensive) choice is to buy a new pair of shoes. Sure, I could buy some cheaper shoes… but I am probably too vain to do that. There are a lot of ugly bike shoes out there. Besides, I am sure that I’ll need another pair of SIDI’s some day.

I suppose if this is the worst of my problems right now, I have it pretty good.

Thanks for wasting your time with me.

p.s. Le Tour is getting good. Doping be damned.

It was a whirlwind of a weekend.

Friday morning Jane and I stood in line for iPhones. I told her last year that we wouldn’t get any until they came out with a new version. It turns out, she remembered what I said. We got downtown to the AT&T store around 6 for the 8am opening. There were probably 50 or so people in line already. The staff was pretty friendly and helpful throughout the process, but the iTunes servers were down, so nobody left with an activated phone. I spent most of the morning trying to get the thing registered via the internet. Once it was though, pure gold. The phone is pretty amazing.

Apparently other people wanted them too. The phone sold out in 21 states and still has lines around the block in major cities that have them available.

The rest of the day was apparently spent avoiding really getting ready for Seattle to Portland. We went to get Jane and haircut and saw Les Thugs play Neumos after having a few drinks with friends. We managed to get to bed somewhere around 1am after cobbling some stuff together for the ride.

Then I missed the 4am alarm.

We woke up about 5:15am after pretty clearly stating that we would try to be at the starting line around 5:30. We stumbled and tripped our way out the door, surprisingly not forgetting anything important. Norman was our ride to the start and back from Portland. He was nice enough to calm us down and get us there at a relatively decent time. Still, we started with no real breakfast and I was pretty worried that I wasn’t taking the ride seriously enough.

Day one of Seattle to Portland starts off pleasant with a ride along Lake Washington. It is an area I’ve covered too many times to count, but it is always beautiful, especially at sunrise. The rest of the day is kind of a snooze though. It is a painfully flat ride that skirts a lot of semi-busy roads throughout Washington. I’d hate to think that people get their only impression of our state from that particular ride. I was actually really looking forward to the “hill” in Puyallup this year. It was a welcome change on my legs.

We left Seattle at 7am and arrived in Centrailia to set up camp at 2pm. Getting in to town made a big difference on my outlook of the ride. The ladies came in a few hours later and had to stand in a massive line to get to the showers. Chris, Gus and I sat in the beer garden and watched Le Tour. I probably drank a bit too much for someone that wasn’t totally hydrated. The temperature was in the low 90s.

We had brought Tent City again knowing that the space would be needed for the extra people this year. Boo brought her friend Josh. He was planning on crashing with us and had brought an air mattress. We decided that we didn’t need to pay for bike lock up this year because there was room in Tent City. To recap, this tent held an air mattress with 2 people on it, 2 people in sleeping bags, 5 bicycles and all of our gear.

Tent City dwarfed the tiny REI tents around it. People only make fun of it because they are jealous that a 6 foot person can stand inside of it without crouching. Also, they are angry that I am stealing their precious land space. I love Tent City.

Even though the tent is large, there are still people within ear shot of your tent at an event of this size. In fact, there are hundreds of people in earshot. Most are nice enough to use hushed tones, but we were lucky enough to sleep right next to several who weren’t so nice.

There was a family with a dog inches from us. Interestingly, the dog was the quietest member of the family. The senior father kept farting all night. It went down like this…
Father (60+): *frrrrap*
Daughter (in her 40s): “Daddy! Quit it”
Father: “Sorry baby.” …. *frrrap*
Daughter: “Dad!”

We all got up around 5, but weren’t able to eat and pack our gear up to leave until around 7am. I felt very good out of the gate, but never really got to 100%. Still, Chris, Gus and I were clipping along most of each day at around 18mph average. We were rubbing elbows with a lot of jock type roadie guys that I am generally not too fond of. A good number of them like to yell “On the LEFT!” at you as they dart out in front of traffic so they don’t have to slow their tempo. We tried to keep a small group, but were always keeping a big train of people that didn’t want to help pull.

To tell the truth, I had more fun last year at the back of the pack. It was still a neat experience, but not quite the same as before.

Once you cross the Lewis and Clark bridge in to Oregon, the day takes a turn for the boring. Highway 30 passes by strip malled towns with little to no shade. By this point the sun was high and painful. I didn’t feel like keeping the 20+mph tempo we had started the day with. I just really wanted to slow the heck down. Thankfully, the guys didn’t seem to mind much. We tried to keep hydrated and moving.

We got in to Portland at around 3pm on Sunday. Pizza and beer were in my mouth shortly. The rest of the crew rolled in around 5pm. Despite the soul crushing high temperatures, all of us set personal records on the ride (for what that is worth).

Norman met us for dinner and drove us home in our car. I passed out easily on the way home. Thank you, Norman.

Monday and Tuesday were vacation days set aside for three things. Resting, eating, Le Tour de France. All three were accomplished.

Behold: The Elvis Waffle (with peanut butter and banana)

Jane and I drove down to Portland on Thursday morning for a much needed mini vacation. We brought the bikes down with a final pre-STP training ride in mind.

We arrived in town around 1pm and found the hotel quickly. I spun around the block a few times surprised at the lack of parking options I had at the time. We were able to snag a 90 minute spot, and we had to hold it until 7pm that night. Needless to say, we stuck around the Pearl District for the night.

The hotel was beautiful and felt like home right away. The rooms were a bit small, especially with our bikes taking up a wall, but we were very comfortable. They had claw foot tubs reminiscent of our first apartment in Seattle that brought back warm memories. The TV with cable was a special bonus since I was able to watch a bit of the Tour between rides and eats.

One of the first spots we hit was the food trucks between 4th and 9th. The food is amazing and cheap. Interestingly, most of the trucks are only open during the week… so I’m guessing there are a portion of people in the city that aren’t able to ever enjoy them. It is a shame too, because I had a wonderful burrito for 4 dollars that made my eyes roll back.

We ran in to Jane’s old girlfriend on day one and ended up going out for drinks with her later that night. It was the first of many random meetings with old friends that weekend. We got a taste of the nightlife in Portland and I did my best to take it easy.

Day two was definitely food oriented. We drove out to my mom’s new place with her boyfriend Tom in HIllsboro. It was a dual purpose party for the 4th and Tom’s 80 year old mother. They made 8 racks of ribs, stupid amounts of bratwurst, a massive pot of beans and all of the potato fixins’ a boy could wish for. None of it was left by day’s end.

We were able to dump the car off with my mom in HIllsboro, so I felt a bit better about getting around Portland without worrying about it. Jane and I went down to the water front amongst the riff raff and watched the fireworks that night. The people were the true show though. There was a little bit of each kind on display… hippies, jocks, junkies, suburbanites, yuppies, burn outs, gangsters, bikers, and lots and lots of sandals on all of them. The sandal to person ratio is quite high during an Oregon summer. I managed to snag a video of a lady who was very excited to watch the fireworks. She was fist pumping her tall boy can as if she were watching a(nother) Sabbath reunion tour (note: I don’t seem to have access to software to show you said video… maybe some day). Nothing is more magical.

Speaking of magical, we set out Saturday morning with one thing in mind. Bicycling.


We spent a good chunk of the day climbing the hills outside of Portland for some pretty epic views of the Oregon countryside. The first climb was a monster 1,000ft climb from sea level up a “road” that was best described as a fire trail. None of it was paved but the gravel wasn’t extremely loose. Jane did awesome up it. We stopped a few times to clean the mud out of our brakes as it stuck loose stick in our fenders. Almost the whole climb had a “snake hissing” sound emitting from our rear wheels. The few hikers that were on the trail were surprised to see people on it with road bikes.

There were 3 climbs in total, the last dishing out the most pain. Jane was cursing and cramping by the end up the final climb. She probably wanted to punch me by that point, but it would be wasted energy. She did amazing.
The descent down the last hill was mind blowing. It was a series of switch backs followed by some tunnels and a tight drop in to the city through traffic. Beyond fun. I love riding my damn bike. Jane described it as “the best descent I’ve ever ridden”… and that girl loves going down hills.

After a shower and some rest, we hit the town again with food and beer in mind. I knew that I wanted to go to the new Hopworks Urban Brewery. I’d be lying if I said that it wasn’t a bit of a disappointment. I guessing it expected it to be a bit more “bike themed” than it ended up being, and it was quite a bit out of our way to find that out. I foolishy thought they might be playing the Tour and we basically planned the night around it. Still, the beer was fabulous and there was nothing to complain about. My expectations were just too high.

Gelato, coffee, and the Tour completed the day. Vacations are great.

On our final day, we met Mom and Tom again for breakfast at Cup and Saucer. We ate, said our goodbyes and checked out of the hotel before our cut off. Jane let me stop by River City Bicycles before we left town and (graciously) let me buy a couple of things tax free.

All in all, it was a fantastic weekend and pretty much exactly what I needed to get out of this slump.

I’ve been working on this logo with Paul Johnson (of Dr. Codfish fame) for a little while now. I am pretty excited to see the final product. It is so ridiculous in a beautiful way. Seriously, if I could pre-order a bidon (water bottle – for the non geeks), I would do it right now.

Honestly though, he has been a pretty strong supportive figure in my first year or randonneuring, so I am glad I could support him back. He has a lot of knowledge in that head of his. Scan his blog to soak a bit of that in.

I mentioned in an earlier post that Jane and I got a little crazy on the Rapha site this last week. One of the items that I’ve gotten to test enough to comment on. The website calls them “FIXED. Shorts“… so make sure to comment about my hipster douchebagness if you want to. I deserve it.

Notice the fine textures of the hair on my legs. They feel as fantastic as they look.

But about the shorts, they have been roughing my (admittedly) easy ride to and from work this week with class. I took them out on on a training loop through the hills of West Seattle in the heat yesterday and they felt good. They are a fitted a bit better than my Chrome Shins, so my legs seem less likely to hang up on my seat when sitting back down after powering over a hill. It was never a huge issue, but I prefer the tighter fit anyways (being a hipster douchebag and all).

There aren’t cargo pockets on the sides like on the Shins. I consider that another plus since the pocket flaps were always extended in to the wind. I doubt it was a hug aerodynamic disadvantage, but it looked awkward anyways. The rear pockets have zippers and are high on the waist so you don’t have to sit on what is inside of them while on the bike.

As with any Rapha product, you need to get over the sticker shock. They are pretty damn expensive for what you get. If they hold up as well as my Chrome Shins have though, it will have been worth it. There are a lot of amazing little touches to these shorts that make them the bees knees.

There are tweed details throughout the knickers, including the pockets, zipper and side buttons. The side buttons tighten the leg cuffs around the calf. You can wear it loose, tighten it, or roll it up over the knee. Looking at the website, I thought it was just a fashion type accessory, but I am really liking the options now that I have them.

I haven’t been in any rain yet, but I managed to accidently spill half a glass of water on them and it beaded off without soaking through. That is a good start anyways…

Time will tell if they handle the abuse I plan on putting them through, but the first impressions are very positive.

Coming as soon as I put some miles on it: Rapha Gilet impressions.

p.s. Off topic. The SIR 1200k is finishing up today. I am kind of jealous. Next year it will be tackled.