Last night Jane and I finally got around to watching a movie that has been burning a hole on our coffee table. It is an adaptation of a Steven King novel called Dreamcatcher.

I was lovingly pointed towards the movie from the Onion’s AV Club. It has apparently picked up a minor cult status for being one of the most over the top movies ever put on film.

Its reputation is well earned too. The story revolves around a group of men that are connected through a psychic bond that they received after befriending a mentally handicapped boy while they were young. The four men take a camping trip in a snowy wooded area only to find a few people that are infected with what the film lovingly refers to as “ass weasels”. These are aliens that grow inside of humans and punch out of their… backsides…

Jason Lee (My Name is Earl) has an entire scene trying to trap an ass weasel in a toilet by sitting on it. Unfortunately, the bouncing caused his precious toothpicks to drop on the ground. You know, the ones that he always needs to have in his mouth, especially when an ass weasel might kill him.

Apparently the ass weasels can grow into much larger ass weasels and disguise themselves as aliens. The major villain in the movie calls himself “Mr. Grey”. He takes control of one of the friends played by Damian Lewis (Band of Brothers). The two characters both talk through the same body but with different accents. Mr. Grey seems to have learned all he knows about English from Britain because he has an accent, while Lewis’ character doesn’t.

The government is attempting to contain these aliens with help from a super secret branch of military fronted by Morgan Freeman and his soon to be successor Tom Sizemore (Sniper). They have live rounds and aren’t afraid to use them. Freeman knows that the infected must be killed and he express his grief with this hilarious monologue…
“Those poor schmucks. They drive Chevrolets, shop at Wal-Mart, never miss an episode off Friends. These are Americans!”

Killing American’s never felt so filthy. It gets weirder

Donnie Wahlberg practically steals the movie as the adult version of “Duddits”, the retarded kid mentioned earlier. Duddits, with Scooby Doo doll and lunch box in tow, helps find Mr. Grey (which Wahlberg pronounces “Mista Gay”) to build to a super special effects bonanza of a finale.

Words can’t describe the joy I felt while watching this movie. I felt like I was giving birth. It hurt so bad, but felt like I was watching a miracle.

Steven King is crazy. The man is completely insane. If you think I am wrong, I dare you to watch the special features on this movie. He describes “The Taboo Zone” as the reason he wanted to do a novel that was so focused on the toilet. “Sex is common these days, so I wanted to go somewhere that is still off limits. The bathroom is off limits.” I’m paraphrasing here, but it is all there.

He really believes that men get together and drop lines like these.
“Got blown last night.”
“Good for you. First Time?”
“Bite my bag. Met some lady at Bingo.”
“Church Bingo?”
“Turned into a pretty nice fuckaree.”

Yes, “fuckaree” and “fuckaroo” are said on more than one occasion. Steven King really has his ear to the streets these days.

Watch it. Now.